My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
