I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My feet surprised me
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