My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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