How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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