that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
