I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
