Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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