There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize