It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
