so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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