You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
