i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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