respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
