she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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