Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
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I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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