I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
