Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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