you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
