Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
