Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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