Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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