He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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