someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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