u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
