no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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