Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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