Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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