I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
