like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
