I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
