I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
