I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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