3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
