Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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