I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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