I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How does one acquire holy water?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
