So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
