How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize