I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
