did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
