It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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