Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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