WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
