Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
