I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
