Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Randomize