I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
