can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
