her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
