Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
