I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
accomplished twins. life is a go
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
