masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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