I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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