I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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