She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize