We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
